The Adventures of Noah and Nick

Reflections.

2011-10-09T16:27:00.000-07:00

In a few days it will five years ago the friendly Dr told me Noah had Rubinstein Taybi Syndrome. Five years but it almost seems like yesterday. So much can change in five years. Dreams, perspective, hope, determination, strength, and peace. Those are just a few of the words that pop into my head when I think about myself,the different things that have changed me over the years. After hearing the words Rubinstein Taybi Syndrome I thought my life was over. I wish I would have known that it was the beginning of something more beautiful than I ever imagined. The beginning of a little boy's life that would change me forever. That would make my heart that much happier. I didn't know he would make me see the world so differently. I didn't know he would make me even more compassionate than I already was. Noah has given me so many gifts. Yes, there are challenges but the success of beating those challenges is more powerful. The determination I have seen in Noah's eyes as he faces his challenges humbles me. Five years ago I had no hope. Today hope is what keeps me going. Most importantly, five years ago I thought I would never feel peace again. But, I have never been so wrong. Peace is all around me and I am so blessed. I still wish I could be who I am today and comfort my old self. I wish I could tell myself then all I know today. I wish I could sit and hold my old self's hand and give her my present strength. But, instead I will take the strength within me now and run with it. Thank you Noah. I love you more than the sun, moon and stars. Happy almost birthday..

Hear Me. I can communicate with you.

2011-09-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

Yup it's been a very long time. I've missed you blog but for some reason deserted you for 6 months. I kept telling myself that when I felt really inspired or in this case really pissed about something, I would write. The next part of my entry will be from what I know Noah would say if he could.

Dear Idiots, who don't know me and want to judge me because I don't speak with my mouth. My name is Noah. I'm almost 5 years old. I know so much more than what some of you give me credit for. Yes, I'm unable to talk right now with the spoken word but I communicate. I speak with my hands and most of all I speak with my I pad. I create sentences. I let those who believe in me know what I'm feeling and what I want to do. Yes, I do feel just like you. I know exactly what I want and how to ask for it. I understand what you are saying to me. Don't underestimate my understanding. Don't assume I won't understand until you challenge me. My mommy and daddy believe in me so I know I can do anything I want to do. So, to those of you that think you know what I can't do...Open up your eyes because I can and I will.

I Can't Imagine

2011-03-11T11:19:00.000-08:00

Recently I read about a mom dealing with a specific physical problem with her daughter. In the post I read she wrote "at least she doesn't have a cognitive disability, I don't know how they do it?" "They" meaning me because my son has a cognitive disability. This is how I do it. I get up every morning, make my son breakfast, get him dressed, take him to school. Pick him up from school, love on him, read to him, feed him, play with him. I take him on walks, we pick grapefruits, he climbs up his tree house and plays with his little brother. He speaks with his hands and is a genius on his I pad. I tuck him into bed and I take care of him when he is sick. I tell him I love him a million times. I tuck him into bed and he kisses me goodnight. That is how I do it. Kind of like you. Our life does have extra challenges but we live just like you do. And we love just like you do. This is how I do it and I wouldn't change him for the world.

Oh Nicholas!!!

2011-03-05T19:15:00.000-08:00

It's been a while I know. I have been so not in the blogging mood lately. But, I'm back. This is how I found Nicholas recently. This sweet boy needs to get out more. A pine cone, paper towels, and a basket. Hmmm????

Noah Being A Kid

2011-02-02T16:29:00.000-08:00

I forgot I had this video. This is Noah with his cousin Seth in a pit of corn. When my family visited back in October, we took everyone to a huge farm for the day. Noah enjoyed most of his time in this pit of corn. Noah is a total sensory kid. He loves to feel anything in his hands. He craves any kind of tactile stimulation so this was the perfect activity for him. And Seth is being such a awesome big cousin.

From My First Breath.

2011-01-31T17:43:00.000-08:00

From my first breath you have loved me. You have loved me every second,of every day, for my whole life. Is there another love so strong? A love that grows even stronger when the rain falls. And then even more when a rainbow follows. There is no greater love. A Mother's love.

I look into the mirror and see my older self. I think of all the years that have gone by. It seems like just yesterday I was a little girl watching you put on your makeup. Thinking how beautiful you looked and watching with awe. It is now another lifetime. I only hope you know how much I love you. Your heart is beautiful. I am thankful for the compassion you have passed down to me. Thank you for loving me every second of my life. Thank you for holding my hand. I love you Mom.

Sometimes It Just Plain Hurts!

2011-01-24T11:55:00.000-08:00

It's time for some honesty 101 on my blog. So, If you are feeling ever so cheery today you might just want to close out of my blog. I'm inspired to write these feelings I'm having because I just can't shake them. Yesterday a good friend of mine (who happens to have a child with RTS) emailed about her daughters B day wish list. One of her wishes was to not be "different" and to not have the symptoms of RTS inside of her. Can I just say that ripped my heart in two. This beautiful little girl wishes she could be like everyone else. This same little girl who has my son's syndrome. It made me so incredibly sad. It made me look into the future and wonder. Will Noah know he is "different"? Will Noah secretly cry and wish he was like everyone else? Would it be easier if Noah didn't realize he was "different"? As I'm writing this my heart is breaking again. It is so incredibly hard as a mom to imagine the challenges my son may face ahead. If you are a mom you can understand the pain I'm speaking of. The pain that hurts like nothing else you have ever experienced. The pain that your child may not be accepted or may feel isolated. Yes, I know I sound incredibly negative but my blog is my way out. I can't pretend that being a mom to a child with challenges is a bowl of cherries all the time. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it feels like a up hill battle. Sometimes I cry until I feel nothing at all anymore. That is reality. That is my truth. Other days are better. Most days are easy. Then there is today..My heart goes out to you my friend and Noah's RTS sister.

Look at Noah two and a half years ago.

2011-01-11T16:56:00.000-08:00

It's About TIme Mom!!!

2011-01-10T08:53:00.000-08:00

Finally I got my "big boy" bed. It's about time Mom and Dad. I love it. Last night was my first night in my bed and I wasn't scared at all. I'm so proud of my bed. I even let Nicholas sit on it for awhile. I think he's a little jealous though. But, soon he will be ready for a cool new bed too. I told him how awesome it is to sleep in a car. He told me that he thinks it would be cooler to sleep in a fire truck bed. It's all the same to me. At least I'm in a cool bed.. Hope you like the pictures.

Love, Noah

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A White Christmas.

2011-01-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

Nope not in Florida. The whole family drove to WV to see my sister and her family. It was a long drive with Noah and Nick. They actually are pro's since we drove to Ohio for the RTS conference. It was truly amazing to see how my two boys reacted to the snow. Nick is the toddler with no fear literally. And Noah likes to hang out in familiar territory where it's warm inside. In other words Nicholas and Dad hung out in the snow and went sledding. And Noah and I relaxed by the fire and watched movies. It was freezing for this Florida girl. This was the first Christmas I think Noah really gave a hoot about. He was in love with the tree and loved hearing me sing Christmas songs. Nicholas equally loved the tree and was even more excited to pull off the ornaments. Both kids got some awesome gifts but their favorite was a electric toy train and a play kitchen. It still hasn't kept them out of the real kitchen though. We had a beautiful, funny, warm and also cold Christmas. Thank you to Heather, Micheal, Hannah, Seth and Adyen for having us. Here are some pictures from the visit.
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Proud Ma Ma

2010-12-14T09:16:00.000-08:00

I started to cover Noah's walls in his bedroom with all his artwork from school. Every little piece I get makes me so happy. The wall above his bed is covered and soon most of his room will be covered. You should see the proud look on Noah's face when he looks up at his work. It's completely awesome. Here is a picture of some of his work. Notice his cute little thumb in the Santa hand print. By the way I'm loving his teacher and her creativity. She really in truly believes in her students and loves them like her own. We are so blessed to have found this school.

My Own Special Christmas Tree.

2010-12-05T08:48:00.000-08:00

Last night Tom and I decorated our Christmas Tree. But as I was hanging the ornaments, I realized the tree symbolized something more than the usual warm, fuzzy feelings. This is the first year we have put a tree up in our house in years. Every year we have gone to N.Y for Christmas and don't bother putting one up. I thought the last tree we had in our house was four years ago. It was the Christmas after Noah was born and diagnosed with RTS. He was fresh out of the NICU that year we had a tree. My mom was still in Florida helping me. I was still a mess and full of fear that controlled almost every thought. I remember her helping us pick a tree out and then decorating it. I did not decorate the tree that year. I watched in a state of numbness as my mom decorated it beautifully. I did not feel joy and I certainly wasn't in the Christmas spirit. My wounds were very fresh and I didn't know if I would ever feel that "Christmas Joy" again. Wow!!! Last night I realized with each ornament hung that it represented strength. Each ornament was just a little piece of me throughout the last four years. When we finished the tree I teared up. I wish four years ago I had known that the joy would return. And when it did it would be even more powerful than ever. Our Christmas tree symbolizes how far our family has come.

My Boy's Lovin Life!!!!!!!!

2010-11-22T10:45:00.000-08:00

My Fourth Birthday Party!

2010-10-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

I figured I better post about my Birthday party before it's already time for my fifth B day. I actually turned four on Friday!!!! Mommy brought cupcakes to my school for me to share with all my friends. The teachers made me wear a hat and they all sang Happy Birthday to me. I don't usually like the Birthday song but this year it wasn't so bad. When Mommy picked me up I still had my hat on. I was just trying to impress my friends by wearing it. I really was annoyed they put it on my head!! Then Sunday came and it was time for my party. I'm so excited to tell you that my party was all about ELMO!!! I LOVE ELMO. We had a awesome Elmo cake that Daddy got for me. Daddy was so proud of my cake and he made sure it didn't get messed up..When we went to get my Elmo decorations from the party store, I was in heaven. EVERYTHING WAS ELMO. It was so cool. I got lots of cool stuff for my B day. So, I want to thank everyone for thinking about me! And for wishing me Happy Birthday. And for loving me so much. Here are some pictures from my party. Keep reading my blog because I have lots of surprises for you now that I'm four!!!!!

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I Forgot To Tell You!!

2010-10-04T16:53:00.000-07:00

Hey all you dedicated readers it's me Noah. My mommy forgot to tell you all something really cool about me. I know I can't believe she forgot either but she's really busy most of the time. I'm doing Special Olympics!!!! Yup,every Saturday morning the whole family heads to my school for a hour so I can do my work out. The first time I went I really didn't like it. I was confused because I thought I was going to my classroom for school. My teacher was even there so what did everyone expect me to do. I kind of got upset because my routine was all messed up. And anyone that knows me will tell you
I like my routine. I was determined to get into my classroom for the whole hour. I even rolled my eyes at the volunteer. Mommy caught me doing it! Uh OH! The second time I went was a little better. I was fussy for the first ten minutes but then I did my thing. Some of my friends from my class are there too. The only thing that gets on my nerves is my little bro. He runs around my school like its his school too. But,I have to admit he does help out a lot. I get really motivated to do stuff when my bro is around. Mommy and Daddy are going to make me a visual schedule so I can see when my routine is going to change. Cause remember I like my routine.
I hope anyone that loves me will support the Special Olympics when they can because it's really important for my confidence. That's what they tell me anyway. Well gotta go.. I have a big day at school tomorrow. Can you believe my Mommy is letting me go for 6 hours a day? I can't either. I know she misses me a lot though.

Bye guys, Noah.

Where is Wiggle's?

2010-09-29T16:42:00.001-07:00

Noah doesn't like the t.v show The Wiggles but he sure likes The Wiggles doll. He was introduced to The Wiggles doll at school. Every morning they have 15 minutes of free time at school. As soon as we walk into the classroom, Noah goes straight for The Wiggles doll. He looks around for someone to get it off the shelf while signing "please" continuously. Noah's teacher allows him to take Wiggles home because she said "Noah I know you will take good care of him." Her words not mine. This is how I found Noah and Wiggles this afternoon.

Do You Want To Join Me?

2010-09-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

On the path of hope? I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my journey with RTS. Recently, I sent a article to the RTS list serv I belong to,regarding believing there is goodness in the human race. The article's main point was about people staring in public when you have a child with special needs. The author of the article introduced the concept that most people are not hateful and being mean by staring. They may be simply curious or willing to lend a hand if needed. There have been times over the last year or so when I have dealt with the stares. My first reaction was unlike the author's, I always assumed the person was annoyed or being ignorant. This reaction does nothing for me or my precious child. This reaction only closes the door to my son being treated as an important part of our society. It also shows bitterness within me and I refuse to live with that feeling. I refuse to turn away and sulk because a person happened to give me a look or made me feel uncomfortable. Instead I will put those feelings aside. I would rather believe that people are generally good. I would rather take the negativity and throw it out the door. For my precious son's benefit,I will do my best to look at society as a whole in a different light. I believe it's worse for someone to quickly look away than stare. Looking away, to me, means my son doesn't exist. So, I will take hope over negativity. I will hope for the best in people before assuming the worse. This doesn't mean I'm living in a fairytale world. I realize not everyone is a bed of roses but this is what I choose. Do you want to join me?

Noah Said What???

2010-09-21T16:51:00.000-07:00

When I picked Noah up from school today his teacher had some big news for me. She told me during circle time Noah blurted out "cockle doodle doo". I don't even know if I'm spelling that right but you know,what the Rooster says? Anyway, she said everyone stopped and said "That was Noah." Too make sure everyone heard him he repeated himself. I looked at her with disbelief and she said "yes he said it again on the way to the potty." The image of Noah sitting around at circle time and blurting out 'cockle doodle doo" makes me laugh hysterically. I don't get it! The child's only word is ma ma besides babbling and then blurts out "cockle doodle doo." It's just too funny. I wonder what else Noah has in store for me? I'm so excited today to find out. I think he's going to fly this year.

The Window With Two Sides

2010-09-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a few years but I still remember
My eyes hazy and mouth held tight
Looking through the window that "appeared" to be perfect, with no streaks
All I could do is watch with a intense desire to release my feelings of fear and sadness
Month's went by and the window still stood strong in front of me
Still appearing "perfect" before my eyes
I grew to despise the window
I wanted to scream "let me in, I belong there too"
Then year's went by
The haze from my eyes faded and my mouth relaxed
The strength grew within me to confront the window
As the haze cleared from my eyes, I noticed the window had smudges and streaks
The window was full of imperfections I didn't notice before
The other side of the window was a lot like my side, with it's own moments of fear and sadness.
I gently reached for his hand and stepped through the window
Together, we have found joy,laughter, tears and sadness, on both sides of the window
We are all the same
We are all perfectly different

I Miss Him

2010-09-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

I miss Noah. The school has extended Noah's day until 2.30 to prepare them for kindergarten. I miss him. I know it's the best thing for him right now and I know I should be doing things for myself but it doesn't make it any easier. Nicholas misses him too. He looks for him until he comes home. It is so hard for me to let go. I feel so empty when he isn't with us. I miss his laughter. I miss his hugs. I even miss his whining sounds. I hope the lump in my throat eases up soon. I hope this gets easier as time goes on. I know I will always miss him when he's away.

Now That You Are Almost Four

2010-09-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Noah,

I just got goosebumps when I wrote the title "you are almost four" I can't believe you have been on this earth and in my life for four years. Wow, what a difference you have made in the person I am today. I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of you. I will try to remind you of all the great things you have accomplished this past year. You are walking so beautifully that you are practically running. You worked so hard to get to this point and I know you are much happier with your independence. You are starting to use a communication device to make requests and the look on your face when I understand, makes my heart so happy. You know how to use a lot of signs to communicate to the people who understand you. You still love to swing, play in water, listen to music and mostly manipulate buttons. You are awesome on the computer. And you figured out how to microwave a binky yesterday. (you little stinker.)You love to play with your little brother. Your favorite game to play is taking turns opening and closing doors. The laughter from both of you makes me smile. I know you will always have a brother that adores you. You are both so lucky to have each other in this life. You are going to school five days a week now. You participate in class, follow directions and socialize with other kids. You are going to the potty sometimes at home and school. You are working hard with that challenge. You are beginning to find your place in the world. You are blossoming and spreading your wings. I am so excited to see what you have in store for us this year. Keep working hard Noah and know that Mommy and Daddy are here to help when you need us. Your strength continues to amaze me. I love you, Mom

Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-01T08:42:00.001-07:00

Update Since I've Been Blog Lazy.

2010-08-30T10:50:00.000-07:00

I really haven't had much time to blog lately and my motivation to blog has been horrible. But I'm back. There has been so much going on in our lives I don't know where to start. We had a busy July and August. We attended the RTS conference in July and spent two weeks in NY with my parents at the beginning of August. Yes, I traveled alone with both kids. It was hectic but went better than I was expecting. Noah was a perfect traveler, looking out the window the whole time and playing his laptop. Mr Nick on the other hand wanted to rock the whole airplane. He was not too keen on sitting on mommy's lap the whole time. The whole plane knew how he felt I'm sure. When we got to NY both kids came down with a illness. Nick had a double ear infection, sinus infection and tonsillitis. Noah came down with bronchitis. Yeah two kids on antibiotics. But we had a nice time with family. The kids got to meet their new nephew Adyen and Nana got to practice her new found signing skill. Thanks Mom for taking the time to learn how to communicate with Noah, it meant the world to me! Hopefully the kids will get to meet their new niece Summer soon too. In other news...

Noah has been doing fantastic in school. He is going 5 days a week for four hours a day. He is developing leaps and bounds since he has started. He is using the potty at school and home. Yesterday was huge, Noah took me to the potty and pointed to it. I asked him if he had to go potty and he signed "yes". Low and behold he instantly peed on the potty. I was so excited. I know we have a long road of potty training ahead but this is a great start.Noah is also signing tons more and we have started him on a low tech communication device for now. We are hoping to move onto a
Ipad very soon. Brandi, I will be calling you soon for advice!!!

Yesterday Noah and Nick had their first experience at a adventure park. Noah rode a rollercoaster and go cart for the first time. He didn't know what to think of it. I'm not sure if he was liking it or not. He just had a blank look on his face. Nick rocked the place, just like he did on the plane. I spent most of the day chasing him. Nick is a firecracker!!! We had a great day..

Here are two recent pictures of the boys..

Understanding The Pain

2010-08-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

I can't get out of my head and heart what happened today so I figured I would write about it. Today Noah had a check up at the eye Dr. As we were walking out to the waiting room to wait for Noah's eyes to dilate, I heard the screams. I looked over and saw a Mom with her son ( around 9 or 10 years old) holding him down while he screamed. She was stroking his head as the screams got louder and louder. He was obviously having a horrible melt down that was getting worse and worse. I knew the child had special needs of some sort but was not sure what they were. He was non verbal and struggling to sit up. The room started to clear with parents that were looking away or moving to the far end of the room. The mom had her head down and wouldn't make eye contact with anyone. In that moment, I felt her pain. I didn't know what to do because my eyes were filling with tears for her. I wanted to scream back at all the parents that stared with dirty looks on their faces. I wanted to yell "you don't get it." Instead I took Nicholas and sat across from her and when she looked up I smiled. She looked at me horrified as if she was thinking "I'm so sorry. Even though I said nothing to her, I sat there in the chair across from her the whole time. I wanted to help but there was nothing I could do. So instead I cried on the way home. I cried because I wish people could understand the stares and dirty looks are so hurtful. Even though after a while your skin does thicken it still will always be somewhat painful. Maybe I cried because I could imagine that happening to me one day and hoping there would be someone to give me a smile. I hope that if you are reading my blog and you don't have a child with special needs you will choose to smile. Don't look away. Don't give dirty looks. Don't assume the parent is not doing their job. Just try to understand. You never know what someone is going through. I will not deny that sometimes it's painful to raise a child with special needs. I would be lying if I didn't admit that. And I choose to be honest with myself in regards to that. Today I truly "got it". Today I smiled and I hope that eased the Mom's pain.

See Me Not My Disability

2010-07-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

I was going to blog about the conference but I feel passionate about something else today. On the RTS list serv that I belong to, there has been discussion about the harsh things Dr's have said concerning our children. A lot of parent's have shared their personal stories about how their child was diagnosed. I am appalled at some of the things I have read. Dr's telling Mom's and Dad's to institutionalize our kids or just throw them away because of their disability. Or telling parent's that they shouldn't invest too much into their child because they will be low functioning. What?? Are you serious? These are professionals. If people like this can't get past differences, how is it possible to change an every day person's view on people with disabilities? I remember when Noah was a baby and our stupid pediatrician at the time addressed Noah as "Rubinstein Taybi Syndrome" rather than Noah. We never saw that Dr again. Some people are just pure ignorant. My child is a person with a name and feelings and everything else that goes along with living. He is not just a syndrome or developmentally delayed or whatever other word that goes along with it. He is Noah. All of our children deserve so much more respect than what is given sometimes. And I'm not saying everyone is like this just a overwhelming portion of our society. If only people that are so called "normal" lived like our children do. The ignorant people that view our children as irrelevant and just disabilities don't realize what they are missing. And to all the Dr's out there that told some parent's that their children will amount to nothing, Shame on you. You don't deserve to be in the medical profession. And to all the Dr's out there that have been sensitive and supportive, Thank you.

Smarty Pants.

2010-07-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

My son is transforming into a different little guy. Well, not all the time but mostly when he is at school. Can I just say "I love his teacher and the assistants". They are so fabulous and really have put my mind at ease. Mr Noah is sitting on the potty and actually going potty at school. Haven't had tons of luck at home but we are trying to be consistent. His teacher said every time he sits on the potty he goes. Also, as we were walking out of school yesterday, Noah's teacher asked him if he was ready to go home. He replied (signed) "yes, please". It was about the cutest thing I have ever seen. She gave him a big hug and kiss. What a smarty pants. But he is a polite smarty pants. I love it.

How Do You Deal With It?

2010-07-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about Noah's Speech or lack thereof. I have been trying to be true to myself and my feelings. Some days I don't even think about it and the thought that Noah may be nonverbal doesn't sting as much. But other days it tears my heart in two. I really don't share these feelings with many people and I was hesitant to write about them. But this is my blog where I can release any feelings negative or positive. I love with a capital L the fact that Noah is signing and getting his wants across. I love the fact that he can use pictures, a device or whatever to communicate but that doesn't compare to hearing his sweet voice. I am grateful that he says "ma ma" and I'm even more grateful that he has the ability to understand sign and other forms of communication but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. The unknown is what gets to me. If I knew one way or another if he was going to talk I could just accept it. But the not knowing is so hard. I still don't think any parent should have to sit and wonder if their precious child will ever talk or walk? I hate it if I'm being honest. But then I feel guilty complaining because I know there are children and parents that are in a much harder place. I should just be grateful but it's still not fair. If you know what I'm feeling, I'm curious to know how you feel? How do you deal with it in your mind? The unknown? I do feel that I have long accepted the chance that Noah may be non verbal but it doesn't mean I have to be in love with the idea. But I know acceptance is vital to me. I would love to hear any thoughts.

How Cool Are We?

2010-07-07T16:10:00.001-07:00

How's Noah doing in school?

2010-07-06T12:38:00.001-07:00

The changes in Noah since he started school are fantastic. I use fantastic because that is what is marked everyday for his behavior. I am so proud of my little guy for all his hard work. I feel comforted knowing that Noah loves going to school. Last night we told Noah he had school today. At 8.30 pm he signed "go to sleep". I was getting ready to put him to bed anyway but Tommy thinks he wanted to go to bed so he could hurry up and get to school. I really think so too. He signs "go" all morning while I'm getting him ready. The other day Noah led his class in circle time. He was the only one that matched the laminated pictures to the same pictures hanging on the wall. During his group speech therapy he sat at a table with other kids for a full hour. They were passing pictures around and the child either had to sign or say what the picture was. Noah was the last one to get the picture. His ST said the whole time he was waiting, he was signing "want, please". When it was his turn finally he signed "ball" (that was the object on the picture". All I could say was "wow" Noah sat for that long and didn't try to get up. His walking is 100 times better and he is following directions most of the time. I'm just so proud of him. When school starts officially in August he will be moved to a larger classroom. The classroom he's in now is just not fitting him developmentally. In other words he is running the show. Brag, brag, I know but I'm a proud ma ma...

They are so cute together

2010-06-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

Taking A Stand

2010-06-24T18:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to the same fitness class I go to every Thursday night. As the music came on the instructor put on her head set and the music was wrong. Into her microphone she said quite loudly "damn I'm such a retard." I froze for a moment, not wanting to believe that just came from her mouth. My stomach turned, I felt sick and wondered if I should just walk out. But I decided to stay. I decided to stay for one reason only. I wanted to take a stand. I was not going to walk out and go sulk about what I heard but I was going to confront it head on. I worked out thinking about what I was going to do the whole time. When the hour was up I knew. I thought of Noah,Natalie, Austin, Alex, Addie, Sammy, Caden, Nathan(both Nathan's), Emma,Jesus, AnnaKate,William,Logan, Matt,Sawyer,Frankie, and Max. All of the beautiful children who share Noah's diagnosis. I thought of all of the amazing parent's and children the word "retard" affects. At the end of the class I went up to the instructor. A few others surrounded her. I told her "when she used the word "retard" it hurt". I told her "My son has special needs and so did another person who ran out crying when she heard you." I also said "you never know who you are offending with that word." She felt horrible and apologized a million times. I told her "I just wanted to make her aware that it's hurtful and I told her it's ok". I didn't want to attack her but if I could change one person's view of thinking then I was satisfied. I left the gym feeling awesome that I stood up for what was right. I did not run out of the gym crying like the other mom. I stayed. I waited. And I stood up for my son. It felt great. I said in a previous post that I would not back down from this and I won't. This post was not a rant but meant to be positive. To educate any person that uses this word as slang. It was time for me to speak up. Stranger or loved one, we all need to be heard.

My First Day Of School

2010-06-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

Hey guys it's me Noah. I wanted to tell you all about my first day of school. The first thing I have to say is I LOVED IT. It was the coolest day ever. Mom and Dad told me the night before that I was going to school. When they came into wake me up, I signed "go". I was trying to make mommy laugh because I knew she was really nervous. But I have to give it up to mommy I didn't see her cry. Maybe she cried on the way home but I'm not sure. Mommy, Daddy and my little brother Nick took me this morning. I had my cool elmo back pack that I personally picked out. I did see mommy cry in the aisle of target when I pointed to which back pack I wanted. Sorry mom but I was really ready to go. Anyway I walked into my classroom and hugged my teacher and all the other adults in the room. Right away I tried to steal someone's cereal. That wasn't cool of me but I was just testing to see what I could get away with. I loved my teacher and I heard her tell mommy how great I did. My therapists said they loved me too. I totally rocked it with my signing. I signed all day and really impressed my teacher. She had tears in her eyes when I signed "thank you" before I left. I walked around the whole day and didn't even try to crawl. oh and I enjoyed flushing the toilet a few times too. When we were leaving the school I tried to get on the bus but mommy had to ruin it and put me in her car. Boo. I can't wait until tomorrow.. Here are a couple of pictures of me before I left for school. I threw in a picture of my back pack and lunch box I picked out. Later, Noah the preschooler.

Saying Goodbye

2010-06-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Noah's last day with his therapists he's had since birth. I expected it to be difficult but that's putting it mildly. His PT, ST and OT have been such a support to me over the last 3.5 years. They love Noah to pieces but excited to see another chapter open in Noah's life. I have to admit I have been struggling trying to find peace. I am second guessing myself a lot and wondering if I have done enough to prepare Noah for preschool. I have had anxiety dreams about his first day. I know they are unrealistic dreams but it's hard to let go. I know there are a million mom's before me that have gone through this but it is still hard. Since Noah was a baby,in my mind, I have always feared the start of school. As long as he was a baby I could protect him from the world. I know in my heart that is also unrealistic. I have to let my little butterfly spread his wings. I have swallowed this big knot in my throat so many times. I pray for strength as I let go. I pray I have done my best. And I pray I have made the best choices for Noah.

Noah Brag..

2010-06-12T14:16:00.000-07:00

Noah has a laptop that he absolutely adores playing with. It teaches letters, letter sounds, words etc. He usually spins in his therapy swing while playing with the laptop. When we travel or drive short distances the laptop comes along. Well what I found out this morning is truly amazing. I was playing the laptop with Noah and decided to test him. He recognized most of his alphabet. When the letter would come up on the screen he would have to type it in on the keyboard. And HE DID IT. Noah amazes me everyday. Look out preschool here he comes.. And yes he is starting next week. My smart little man is going to be a rock star in his class. I'm so proud of him.

Are You A Stay At Home Mom?

2010-06-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

Being home with your children is a very important job. It is one of the most important jobs in the world. I don't care if you have one or 5 children to take care of it's hard. If your child has special needs or developing typically it doesn't matter. As mom's we work very hard each and every day to raise our children. It's harder than most people think. So today for all the stay at home mom's I want you to pat yourself on the back. And take some time for yourselves. Go get a pedicure, manicure or just take a few hours for yourself. I met a mom recently who has 3 children (one with special needs. ) She told me she never ever leaves her children. I told her she has to so she can be a better parent. We all need to take care of ourselves. We all need to remember as much as we love our children we still have a "self". Today I say "you are doing a great job to all the mom's out there".

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY NICHOLAS

2010-06-10T09:29:00.000-07:00

Our beautiful baby turned one yesterday. Oh how time just flew by. It seems like just yesterday I was announcing the birth of our sweet boy. Tom had to work late last night so Noah, Nick and I celebrated with cupcakes. Nicholas will have his party this Sunday with family and friends. You can see from the pictures Nicholas dove right into the cupcake. Noah on the other hand had to study it for a while before he dove in. And thanks to Rocky for cleaning all the cupcake off the floor. I can't wait to celebrate this Sunday. Nicholas, You have changed my life forever. You have brought so much joy to our family. You are the best one year old I know. Keep laughing and keep making us laugh.

Look Mom Noah Shares His Walker.

2010-06-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

Noah doesn't use his therapy walker anymore but Nicholas found good use for it. It was really funny because Noah just looked at him with a blank stare and then walked independently in front of him..

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They Inherited My Goofiness.

2010-06-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

Here is Noah wearing my sunglasses and cracking himself up on our drive back from Hilton Head. And also our family clown Nicholas doing random goofy stuff.

Some Moments Really Do Take Our Breath Away

2010-06-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

There is a saying that says "Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take but by the moments, that take our breath away." This is so true and I thought of this saying standing on the beach holding Noah's hand. Over the weekend we took the kids to Hilton Head to celebrate Memorial Day weekend. We had a fabulous time but there was one evening I will never forget. On this particular evening we were all swinging on a bench swing near the beach. Noah decided he wanted to have some alone time with mommy, so he grabbed my hand. I let him lead me to where he wanted to go. He had a look on his face like he was on a mission. So, he walked me down the path to the beach and all the way down to the ocean. We were both in our clothes we were going to wear to dinner but it didn't matter. He held my hand and took me further into the ocean until the water was up to his knees. With each wave that came towards us, the anticipation on Noah's face grew stronger. I have never, ever seen Noah with so much joy on his face. After each wave hit us Noah's grip grew stronger on my hand. His laughter seemed to be making the waves come faster. It was like no one else was on the beach but me and my little guy. I couldn't stop staring at his smile because I wanted to always remember how he looked. I took a picture with my mind and there it will always stay. Our clothes were soaked and we didn't care. Nothing mattered except being in the moment. Loving the moment we were in. And letting that moment take my breath away. That is what life is all about.

This Part Is Getting Easier

2010-05-26T11:46:00.000-07:00

When Noah was an infant, I dreaded anyone asking me questions about his diagnosis. I hated saying the words "Rubinstein Taybi Syndrome". I especially hated the syndrome part. It was so hard to answer when someone asked what it was. I never knew what to say. Sometimes I tried to make it sound like no big deal so people would stop asking questions. Today when I was waiting for Noah to come out of therapy, I realized how far I have come. (yes I'm going to give myself a pat on the back right now) I was talking to another mom about Noah. The words Rubinstein Taybi Syndrome didn't sting, they were just words. It was just a normal conversation explaining the different things Noah has to go through. It didn't bother me to explain to a perfect stranger that my son has a disability. It only bothered me a little when she asked "Is he going to talk." I swallowed kind of hard and just answered "I don't know but I'm giving him every opportunity there is to communicate." I was proud of myself this morning because I didn't hold back. I realized that the person I was a few years ago is gone. The person I am today has a lot more courage. I am grateful for that.

Noah says "go"

2010-05-22T08:45:00.001-07:00

Well, not verbally but he sure knows how to use the sign. Noah has been cracking me up lately with his ability to sign very forcefully. When he really wants to get his point across he signs so there is no mistake what he is trying to say. He loves to sign "go" so here is a funny story. I'm sure my neighbor won't mind me telling it so here goes. The other night Noah was eating dinner,when our neighbor stopped by. He was in a bad mood and wasn't about to take one bite of his food. If Noah won't eat dinner (which is most of the time) I just ignore it. The minute I ask him to eat or make a big deal out of it, food goes flying. I know that he will eat when he is hungry. In the meantime my neighbor thought it would be a good idea to pick up Noah's spoon and try to feed him. Are you serious? Noah is Mr Independent and there is no way he is letting anyone put a spoon in his mouth. So, Noah looked at my neighbor and as hard as he could possibly throw his arm out, he signed "go". And off she went to the door. She was laughing and didn't get upset but I laughed until I cried. It was just so funny. Shall I stay or shall I go? Noah thinks you should "go".

Almost One Year Ago

2010-05-16T19:01:00.000-07:00

I can't believe in just 3 weeks we will be celebrating your first birthday Nicholas. You have changed our lives forever in so many beautiful ways. You are so little but you bring me comfort when I'm sad. Some days I feel like there is not enough of me to go around but it always seems like you understand. Even when you wake up at the crack of dawn,your smile makes me smile. Your laughter brings so much joy to our lives. When I hear you laugh in the other room, I can't help but laugh myself. I am so glad you are happy. I love the way you look at your big brother with so much curiosity. I know you are going to be so protective of Noah. It seems like just yesterday you took your first breath. And now very soon we will celebrate the first year of your life. I love you sweet boy.

I Feel The Need To Repost This.

2010-05-10T18:19:00.000-07:00

I posted about this a few months ago but after a recent incident, I feel the need for a repost. We all want our children to be able to communicate with us somehow right? Some of our children use words, some use sign language, some just gesture, some use communication devices. Aren't these all different forms of speech? Why do some people insist on putting their two cents in about the alternative ways to communicate? For example the popular answer I get when a stranger notices I'm signing with my son. "Won't that delay his speech even more"? Or the ever so popular "I won't teach my child to sign because then they won't talk.". I know these statements are made out of pure ignorance but I tell these people to please do their research. Sign language will not delay any child from speaking. As a matter of fact it will only enhance their vocabulary if and when they speak. Also sign language has been proven to increase a child's IQ. I am the mom of a child who is nonverbal (at the present time) and I'm going to give him every opportunity to communicate. I just wanted to put this post out there for anyone that has not done their research. If you see a parent using alternative communication with their child, know that they are opening doors for them. Why not open several different doors? We don't all have to be heard only through our voices.

Dreams and Understanding What Really Matters.

2010-05-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

Today I was swinging Noah in his room, when his laughter gave me goose bumps. He laughed so hard and for so long. The sound of his sweet voice and the fact that he is so happy, made me think of dreaming. The dreams that a lot of parents secretly dream for their kids. Sometimes they dream their child will be a Dr or maybe a athlete. Or they dream their child will be the most popular kid in class. If you have a girl, maybe you dream they will have the most beautiful wedding ever or they will do something magnificent that changes the world. Maybe if you have a boy, you will dream he will be a football player or date the prettiest girl in school. All parents have dreams for their children. Sometimes parents dream for their children the opposite of what their child really wants. This is all part of being a parent and wanting the best for your child. I have been taught another lesson from Noah. As I was listening to him laugh this morning, I knew my only dream for my kids is happiness. All the other stuff doesn't matter. If my children laugh every day and know they are loved for the rest of their life, then I have done my job. Thank you Noah.

Look At Us.

2010-05-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

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Nicholas who is almost 11 months now got his first haircut last weekend. He was such a angel sitting in the chair. When the guy cutting his hair said "ok be still" he only moved his eyeballs. He laughed a lot and wanted to play with the brush. He acted like he had his haircut a million times before. Here are some pictures of Nick sportin his new haircut.

Some Noah news. This week Noah went to a tricyclethon at his therapy center. The company donates these bikes to children with special needs. The back of the tricycle has a handle that you can push if the child isn't quite ready to pedal with his legs. Did Noah need the help from the handle? Nope, he left his therapist in the dust. He took off and pedaled all by himself. He wasn't too happy about being there because it was horse therapy day. He kept signing "go" "horse". I would have rather been at horse therapy but it was canceled for the day. As you can see by his facial expression the tricycle didn't compare to his horse Cocoa. But, he will be getting a new trike in a couple of weeks.

Blog Help

2010-05-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

For some reason I can't comment on blogs that don't have the word you have to type in. It will say choose profile. When I do it takes me to the google account to sign in. When I sign in, it brings me back to the comment but doesn't post it. Does anyone know how to fix this? I wanted to say that I'm praying very hard for Sammy. I can't post a comment on his blog but I want his family to know I'm thinking of them. Get well Sammy.

Noah You Are Awesome.

2010-04-28T18:42:00.000-07:00

Check out the proud look on this face. Noah wanted me to tell everyone he signed three word sentences on his horse. He said "want "horse" "go". Then he told the therapist that he wanted to "stay on the horse." That time he just signed "on". We are just so proud of Noah for communicating more and more. He is also proud of himself as you can see by his expression. Great job big boy. You are working so hard and it's paying off.. We love you.

Stop Complaining.

2010-04-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

My blog is my therapy so today I am going to use it as such. I am so tired of listening to mom's of "typically" developing children complaining about this and that. Its' the "I wish my son/daughter would stop talking my ear off." Or "It's been such a hard day, so and so would not sit down" "He just keeps running around all day long." I'm not being insensitive to the complaints of these mom's but take a moment to be thankful for what you have. Yes, you have to listen to your child talk endlessly and maybe about nothing, but be thankful. Be thankful you don't have to spend countless hours and days trying to figure out what it is your child want's. Yes, your child may never stop running around and you are tired, but be grateful he can run. I know these particular mom's may never understand and that is not their fault. But it is so downright annoying to me. Stop complaining and embrace what you do have.

Hey Fellow Bloggers.

2010-04-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

I am curious who we will get to meet at the RTS conference?? Some of my fellow bloggers I have met a couple of times but would love to see you again. Are you going to the conference? If you are we can't wait to meet more of Noah's sisters and brothers.

"Dad This Is Awesome.

2010-04-15T05:25:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned lately that Tom is the best Dad ever? The love he shows his boys is undeniable. Last weekend we went out of town to see Tom's Mom and Dad (Grandma and Grandpa.) The weather was beautiful and we spent a lot of time enjoying the breeze. I captured these pictures of Tom and Noah rolling down a hill together. Did I mention Noah loved it? They did it several times with Noah laughing the whole way down. Little Nick was sitting on the top of the hill with me watching. I got some cute pictures of him playing also. Don't worry Nick,you can roll down the hill with Daddy when you get bigger. Thank you Tom for being a great Daddy to our two little blessings.

Thank You For Helping Noah Cocoa

2010-04-13T13:09:00.000-07:00

Some people, and in Noah's case, animals, really know how to bring out the best in us. On Monday during Noah's horse therapy, I was amazed at the growth I saw in my son. The therapists and assistant's were cheering and clapping for him the whole time. Noah is a different little boy when he is on "Cocoa" his horse. Every time he rode by me standing on the sidelines, the joy on his face was unmistakable. He communicates better with Cocoa than with anyone else in his life. Noah was using two word signs to tell Cocoa what he wanted from him. This is huge in our world. His level of communication is broadening and he is confident in his surroundings. Another amazing stride forward is his ability to follow directions. His therapist would ask him "Noah please turn around on your horse and face backwards." Without hesitating Noah followed her request. And this was with everything she asked of him. Another time she said "Noah please tell your horse what you want him to do." Noah signed "go" "more." I had tears in my eyes watching Noah that day. Cocoa has helped him in so many ways. He is climbing with no anxiety and his anxiety about falling is improving as well. As we were leaving one of the assistants followed me to my truck. I turned around to look at her and her eyes were full of tears. She said to me "I feel like I'm witnessing a miracle with your son". This was one of the most heart warming things any therapist or other person helping Noah has said to me. A miracle that is what Cocoa is. We all need miracles in any kind of form. Thank you Cocoa. And thank you to the assistant who recognized all of Noah's accomplishments instead of pointing out what he wasn't doing. I needed to hear this.

To All The Friends Who Have Left My Life

2010-04-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84FHZhB5__Y

You may have to copy and paste the link to the bar if you can't view it. This song is beautiful.

What The Heck?

2010-04-06T16:12:00.000-07:00

I have been told by Noah's therapist that he has gravitational insecurities. A child with gravitational insecurities prefers to stay low to the ground either lying down or seated. Rigidly fixing his body to avoid any movement, and avoiding most physical tasks. This is what they tell me but this is what I saw. Somehow I don't think their diagnosis is accurate. For some strange reason I think Noah is fooling us all. He had to climb up a swivel chair to get up on our computer desk. hmmmm.

My "Wild Child"

2010-04-05T19:09:00.001-07:00

That is the perfect description of Nicholas. Our sweet little boy is turning 10 months old in a couple of days. It seems like yesterday I was bringing him home from the hospital and getting adjusted to life with two kids. At 10 months old his personality is fiery and he's filled with spunk. All I have to do is look at Nicholas and he bursts out laughing. He loves to hang out in Noah's room and watch him play the computer. If you ask him to dance and shake his body, he will dance like crazy. Nicholas has no fear. Noah is like the cautious, sly cat and Nicholas is the crazy puppy running with his tongue hanging out. The best of both worlds. Happy 10 months Nicholas. You brighten my world. Keep on dancing and loving life.

My Wish Came True.

2010-03-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I wrote a post about wishing Noah could tell me he loved me. A few weeks ago my wish became reality. Most mom's get to hear their 3 year old say "I love you" but I got something better. One night when I was putting Noah to bed I asked him if he loved mama? With both of his hands he grabbed my face and kissed me. Then when I asked him again he signed "yes". Not the typical sign for "yes" but Noah's version. My eyes filled with tears as I leaned over to kiss him goodnight. It really is true that showing love is better than just voicing it. I know my son loves me, there is no feeling better than that in my eyes. That night Noah gave me my wish. In Noah's way he told me he loved me. He melted my heart twenty times over. I am blessed for that moment. Thank you sweet boy for granting my wish.

Thinking Back

2010-03-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

My blog is a lot like therapy for me sometimes. A place where I can go and be honest with myself and whoever is interested in reading. Most of the time I don't care how emotional I get or how raw my feelings can be. I am glad that I feel comfortable being "real" on my blog. Tonight I was doing a lot of thinking about how far I've come in the last three years. I looked at a picture of myself around the time after Noah's birth and couldn't see me. I couldn't see the person that I have become today. I thought of a particular day that stands out in my mind when Noah was in the NICU. My mom (who was at the hospital every day with me) was able to convince me to leave the hospital for a walk. I remember sitting on a bench looking out to the river and crying in my mom's arms. I remember exactly what I was thinking about in that moment. I told my mom that one of my fears was how Noah would be treated by others? Would he be made fun of in school? Would he have friends? My mom cried with me. She was in pain watching her daughter in so much pain. I remember that time because those fears seem so insignificant now. Three years later I see this beautiful little boy that will love the world even if sometimes it doesn't love back. I know that the friends he will keep will carry the same beauty inside of them. I'm not naive, I know there will be people that will be cruel, ignorant and hateful but I also know that Noah won't care about those people. So why should I? Even now Noah senses the people that don't have faith in him. He gravitates to people that believe he can do what he puts his mind to. Three years ago I was so scared. Three years later I am brave. Three years later my life is fuller and my heart is warmer. I want to thank my mom for the gift of compassion. Without her that piece of me might not exist.

Trip To Wisconsin.

2010-03-11T10:09:00.000-08:00

Last weekend we headed to the Dells for the RTS reunion. We were also able to see family while we were there. On Thursday we flew into Milwaukee and spent the night with Tom's Grandparents. Noah really bonded with Grandpa and wanted to take his glasses off all the time. We love you Grandma and Grandpa. We had a great time. Then Friday we headed to the water park to meet up with all of Noah's RTS brothers and sisters. There were a lot of kids around Noah's age so it was really great. Noah especially liked little Kayla who is four years old. Kayla helped Noah walk around a lot but this weekend Noah didn't really need any help. He was a walking maniac. I really didn't see him crawl until we got home. We were so proud of him. Nicholas loved the water too. I think his favorite part was relaxing down the lazy river. We spent a lot of time in the hot tub and elevators. Yes I said elevators. Noah is in love with every elevator he sees. He would ride forever if we let him. Noah did tackle one of the slides but really didn't care for it much. I would like to thank Terri for putting together the reunion. It means so much to me to be able to bond with everyone. And to see all of our beautiful children together. The pictures I have posted are mostly of Noah and Nick. The other pictures are with Grandma and Grandpa and our Aunt Kris. It was a fabulous weekend..

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE ALL OF YOU NEXT YEAR.

The Whole Family At Horse Therapy

2010-03-02T08:31:00.001-08:00

I'm Just Like You

2010-02-24T16:45:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in a random place and hear this question? "How do you do it?". And then "I don't think I would be able to handle it,if I were in your shoes." How come whenever some people (not all) find out you have a child with special needs they look at you with pity? Don't they think I notice the "Oh I feel sorry for you look." And then some people assume you are this special, great, chosen one, that can do no wrong. As a parent of a child with special needs this annoys me. I want to say to all the wondering minds that "I'm just like you." I get up in the morning and take care of my children the same way you do. I take each day at a time. We do normal things like reading, playing, singing, etc. Do the people who think they would not be able to handle "it" realize I thought the same thing in the beginning. I'm just like you. I am a mom who loves her children. And, if you are one of the people who looks on a parent with pity because of her special child, please don't, smile instead. We don't want your pity. We love our children just the way they are. I wouldn't change this beautiful child for the world.

Some More Brother Love and Random Pictures of Joy

2010-02-22T13:19:00.000-08:00

Honesty

2010-02-15T06:04:00.001-08:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking regarding a post from a week or so ago. If you read the post it was regarding my skin being thick enough. I started thinking and I don't think I was truly honest with myself when I wrote that. I was annoyed with a couple of people and wrote that in a moment of scattered emotions. I came across as if I have this extremely thick skin that no one could break through. If I'm being honest that is so not me. I am proud to say that while I may not have the thickest skin, I do have compassion that runs deep for others. I am also proud to say that I cry when I feel sad. I don't mask my emotions and hide them deep within me. I don't pretend that everything is ok when it's not. If I feel like my strength is wearing thin I will show it. If someone hurts my feelings with a comment or harsh words, I will show my hurt. Instead of pretending to be this tough, thick skin wearing person, I am proud to say I'm not. I see the world with open eyes. I don't turn away and hide from the pain I feel. I express it and acknowledge my feelings. At least I know I'm living and feeling everything. I don't mask my emotions and for that I'm proud. Now I can feel that I've been totally honest. This post is really me.

Noah's New Best Friend.

2010-02-09T09:46:00.000-08:00

Mr Noah has started Horse Therapy!!!! I have to say Noah is a natural on the horse. His first day I stood on the sidelines and watched him with tears in my eyes. He looked absolutely beautiful riding that horse around. His therapist even mentioned to me that she would need to challenge Noah a lot more than she expected. She asked me if Noah had ever been on a horse before.. The only horse he has been on is his toy horse at home. Yesterday was his second therapy session and he couldn't wait to get on his horse. He kept signing "on" until it was his turn to get on. These therapy sessions are so special to me for many reasons. When Noah was in the NICU someone sent me a email of a little girl with RTS receiving horse therapy. Each morning I woke up in the hospital hotel, I felt hopeless, sad and petrified. The email of this little girl helped get me through the first hours of the morning. I felt so much comfort and hope when I saw her on the horse. For just a while it made me feel that everything would be ok. Ever since then I have wanted to see my sweet boy on a horse. What a amazing feeling it was to see my baby looking so strong and so proud.

Rewind Three Years Ago.

2010-02-04T13:02:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wish you could rewind time? Do you ever wish that if you had just done that certain thing different everything would have been better? Some days I wish some days I don't . Today is one of those days. I starting thinking about what I really missed out on in Noah's first year of life. I feel guilty that I felt like more of a therapist than a mom. I am sure some of you can relate. I spent so much time of Noah's first year trying to "get him to do" that I feel like I lost some of his babyhood. I wish that I had taken more time to play and just be a mom. I know I did the best I could but I could have handled things better. I could have stopped to smell the roses instead of walking by them. I wish that I didn't take hours out of our day to do therapy, instead we should have been swinging in the park. I wish that I was more like I am today. Today I am so much more relaxed. Today I take the time to stop and smell the roses. Today playing, laughing and singing are way more important than therapy. Today delayed is ok and we just keep going. I know I can't change that first year but I suppose today is more important. I love you Noah.

Time To Brag About Noah.

2010-01-28T18:01:00.000-08:00

I haven't given an update on Noah in quite some time. Noah has decided he is going to try and walk by himself again. After he had the two falls and ended up in the ER he wanted to hold my hand again. It has been almost four months and he is slowly getting his courage again. Today I let go of his hand and he looked at me with a big smile and walked to the computer in front of us. He was so proud of himself. Later during the day I let go again and he didn't panic. He just walked to where we were going. Noah has been wearing a weighted vest for the last month and it has improved his balance and his anxiety. Thank you to Noah's uncle Micheal for working so hard making his vest. It really has made a huge difference. On Monday Noah will be starting horse therapy. We are so excited to see how he does with this. Ever since Noah was diagnosed I have wanted to include horse therapy. I am so excited. We also decided to wait for Noah to start school in August. It took a lot of sleepless nights and undecided feelings but the decision is made finally. I was just so nervous with him being at school and falling back like a board and getting seriously hurt. This way he can improve his falling techniques and I can work with him more. Yesterday I found out Noah knows most of his colors. The only ones he didn't know were gold and silver. He is amazing. He also knows the majority of shapes even oval, diamond and star. Those aren't even the basic ones. I am so proud of him. He knows so much it is unbelievable what he soaks in. He is also picking up new signs here and there and makes up some of his own signs. We try to correct him but he is determined that the sign for "yes" is to hit his head with his hand. ha ha.. Overall he is doing awesome and we are so proud of him...

Sweet Nicholas

2010-01-26T13:32:00.001-08:00

There are so many things I love about you sweet boy. I wanted to take the time to write out my favorite things about you. I can't believe how much you have grown in your 7 little months. You have become such a special part of our family. Your smile will light up the whole room, no matter where we are. You smile at every stranger and everyone you love with such delight. I love the way you wiggle your little body and dance when you hear music. I love hearing you babble "da da" all day and I even hear "ma ma". I love the way you watch your brother with so much admiration and love. I love the way you say "mmmm" when you are being fed cereal. I love the way you smile at me every morning when I get you out of your crib. Your little toothless mouth is so cute. I love the way you clap your hands when I sing to you and your brother. I love the yucky face you make when you eat veggies.. (especially squash.) I love that you play with my hair if I lay my head in your lap (just like Noah.) I love the way you look at me with such concern when you think I'm hurt. (I stubbed my toe really bad yesterday it brought me to tears.) There are so many things I love about you. I have only touched the beginning. You are such a beautiful, amazing, funny little boy. We are so blessed to have you as part of our family.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy

You Think I Need Thicker Skin? Or Do You Think I Am Weak?

2010-01-25T13:21:00.000-08:00

Some people in my life have mentioned I need thicker skin. I'm not sure if these people quite get "my life". I am by no means asking for anyone to feel sorry for me because I don't. I love my son with all his challenges and strengths. If you are someone who thinks I need thicker skin please walk a day in my shoes. Once you have done that then you can assume you understand my life. I think over the past 3 years I have developed thicker skin. I have seen a lot, heard a lot and had to endure a lot. Try to cut through my skin. Answer these questions and see how thick your skin would be at this point.

Have you ever watched your child hooked up to monitors, IV's, breathing tubes, feeding tubes and laying helpless in the NICU?

Have you ever been walking down the street with your child who yes happens to have special needs and hear the word "retard" making fun of someone else?

Have you ever had to wait three years to see your child take his first steps?

Have you ever had to struggle to figure out what your child wants because he can't verbalize yet? At 3 years old?

Have you ever sat in a room with a stranger who tells you your child has some strange syndrome you have never heard of before?

Have you felt so alone because not one Dr or Therapist has ever heard of your child's diagnosis?

Have you watched your child go through several surgeries?

My skin is thick enough and I'm strong. I won't give up. I won't back down. And I'm not going to let anything break me...

Noah, Nick and Dad Posing For Camera

2010-01-25T10:37:00.000-08:00

Enter My World Mommy

2010-01-21T09:07:00.001-08:00

Below is a passage written by a parent that I read from time to time. These words open up my eyes when I'm having a off day or I'm feeling not so hopeful. It touches me so much that I wanted to share it with you all. Again this was not written by me.

My son cried all night last night. Sometimes he does that. I long to help him, but I can't. He is autistic,they tell me, locked inside himself, inside a world the doctors tell me I have no access to. I don't know what he wants. He puts his hands on my face and cries "mamma mamma" -one of the few words he can and I feel my heart break and shatter because I can't help him. It's like when water freezes and splits open a rock, there is no way to mend it, there is no way to stop it. My heart will always be scarred and broken by his tears.

When I first learned of his diagnosis, I was determined to pull him into my world. I sat endlessly trying to make him speak, make him look, make him do. And then slowly I began to realize that his world is beautiful too. So I stopped trying to yank him into my world and instead tried to enter his.

We sit for hours at the fountain in town watching the water skip over the stones and cascade into the pool below. We fall asleep watching snowflakes drift lazily past the window, his cheek against mine, his hand holding my little finger. We watch a bug make its way up the wall.
\
I learn things about him. He loves the color blue. He likes Led Zepplin and country music. He can't stand still when he hears the opening bars of a song he likes, he dances and giggles and gurgles until we all giggle, too.

He loves without restraint, without strings, without malice. His heart is so innocent and so pure. It is breathtaking.

He sees things no one else sees. To me it is a stone, to him it is a universe.

So I call him my little Dutch boy. To remember that windmills are as beautiful as gondolas. He fills my world with wonder and unbelievable joy.

Very Delayed Christmas Morning Pictures.

2010-01-19T09:56:00.000-08:00

These are some very delayed Christmas morning pictures. I forgot to share them when we got home from vacation in N.Y with my parents. Excuse my Christmas morning outfit I know it's hideous. There are pictures of my mom helping Nicholas open his presents (in case you were wondering who it was.) I think Nick was more interested in presents than Noah. Noah was content playing with his old toy (his favorite drum.) Enjoy the pictures.

We Have a Happy 3 Year Old

2010-01-13T14:41:00.000-08:00

Noah is a sensory kid for sure. He craves vestibular stimulation like you wouldn't believe. Jumping, spinning, bouncing and swinging. While I was in NY with the kids Tom built Noah his "dream room" you got it a sensory room. Like the ones you see in Occupational Therapy. We knew this would be the perfect Christmas gift for Noah. When he is in the sensory room during OT he is calm, happy and in his element. We bought a therapy swing (thanks to the idea from watching Caden in it) from Southpaw Enterprises. Tom hung it from the ceiling and it swings, bounces and spins. He likes to spin in it while playing his favorite toy. Tom also built two boards with white blinking lights attached and invested in some lava lamps and a disco ball. It is our favorite room to hang out in during the day. Nicholas even loves to play in there while watching Noah spin. The good thing is the swing holds up to 2oo pounds (very sturdy.) Thank you Dad for working so hard on Noah's room. He says "thank you and he loves you."

Why Am I Finding This So Hard?

2010-01-11T09:02:00.000-08:00

I have lost so much sleep I can't even think straight. I'm not sure why I am having such a hard time with Noah going to school. I keep going back and forth on whether or not to send him. I searched for a long time for the right preschool and I finally found one. I don't want to let go. I am so scared I can't even being to express it. I have dreaded Noah turning 3 because I knew that's when most kids around here start preschool. For the last three years I have been able to protect Noah and know that he is safe. It bothers me to the core knowing that he won't be able to tell me if someone is mean to him or if he doesn't like the teacher. I'm so scared to put him in the hands of someone else to care for. I know what Noah wants. I know when he "signs" what he means. It's like in "our world" everything is normal and being different is our way of life. If I'm being honest the thought of walking out of the classroom and leaving Noah terrifies me. I may sound extreme to some but that is how I feel. Terrified.. I don't know what to do about feeling this way. I don't know if he is ready. I hate this.

Please Stop.....

2009-12-17T06:07:00.000-08:00

If you are reading my blog and you use the word "retard" or "retarded" as slang please stop. I am posting about this, because lately it seems I hear that word used in a derogatory way every single day of my life. Yesterday on my way to get my hair done I was listening to t he radio when I heard "Let's get started, Let's get retarded". Then I was sitting in the chair getting my hair done when I heard another hair dresser making fun of a customer she said "Look Retard" as loud as she possibly could. This is a straight cut into my heart. When I hear the word used in that manner I can't describe the pain I feel.. People should think before they open their mouth. That hair dresser didn't know who was sitting around her. I am not hostile as I write this but I am saddened by the world at times. If you are one of those people who think it is ok to use that word as slang please think. You are breaking a mom's heart, a grandma's heart or a Aunt's heart. If you have a loved one in your life who does have mental retardation you understand me. I am not going to sit back and listen anymore. I will speak up. I will stand up for my son. I will not turn the other cheek on this one. I will not listen anymore. Once and for all stop the slang use of the word "retard".

Less Than Perfect

2009-12-09T10:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Noah,

I know you can't understand this letter right now but I'm hoping in the years to come you will. I want you to read this letter when you are older and keep it close to your heart always and forever.
I don't ever want you to forget what mommy is telling you. You will encounter some ignorant people in this world that will see you "as less than perfect" they will see you as different and will wonder why you do certain things. They might assume they know you by looking at you or watching how you interact with the world. They might not understand the beauty you hold within. They may believe the way "they" do things is the "perfect" way the "only way." Little do they know Noah. Little do they understand. The most important thing I want you to know is that God knew you before you were conceived. God knew your soul, your heart, your goodness and self worth. He knew exactly what he was doing when he created you. He is proud of his creation and every day he sees the amazing things you accomplish. The ignorance in this world can he hurtful and sad. If only everyone could understand differences in people instead of judging. Don't be sad when you encounter these people Noah, feel sorry for them. Feel sorry that they don't see what God sees and all the people that really love you see. You are perfect Noah. Mommy and Daddy will always remind you of that. In most people's eyes a baby that is born with rosebud lips and pink cheeks is the only kind of "perfect". That is not true Noah. There is all different kinds of "perfect." We are all perfect in our own unique way. Feel proud of who you are and don't ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. At the end of our lives some of us worry about whether or not we will be welcomed into Heaven. You don't ever have to worry Noah. God will be waiting for you with his arms open wide. He will once again embrace his most special creation.

I love you so much son and I'm so proud of you,

Love, Mommy

"Let Me Show You How It Works Nick"

2009-12-04T18:50:00.001-08:00

Will He Or Won't He?

2009-12-02T18:45:00.000-08:00

I have so many different feelings on different days when it comes to Noah's speech. Some days it cuts like a knife that he is not yet saying words (he does say "mom mom" all the time and said "bye bye") But other days it is just a part of who Noah is. I remember how naive I was when Noah was first diagnosed. I remember thinking if I had anything to do with it Noah would talk and he would not be "that" delayed.. I remember reading of children with RTS who were non verbal and thinking to myself that will never happen to Noah. I have learned so much in the past three years. I have come a long way. The fact is I don't know if Noah will talk or not. As a parent this is so hard to accept and even imagine but I've had to. I have learned a lot of "sign" and have taught my son to "sign" something I never thought I would have to do. I have taught my son to use pictures to choose whatever he desires. I never even knew this form of communication existed before Noah. I have read about all kinds of different communication devices. I have had to accept whatever the future holds for us. I hope with all my heart that I will hear Noah say "I love you mom" but I guess he already has. He has said it with his smiles, laughter, hugs and kisses. I hope soon he will sign "I love you". I say and sign it to him every night. I will never stop hoping and praying.

"See Mom, I Really Do Love Nicholas"

2009-12-01T17:35:00.001-08:00

This is how I caught Noah and Nicholas while watching a movie. Noah didn't know I was in the room and he reached out to hold Nick's hand. When Nick let go Noah continued to grab for it. He was also rubbing his head and snuggling up next to him. It melted my heart. When Noah thinks I'm not looking that is when he shows Nick all the affection in the world. I know they both love each other so much. And I know that they will always be there for each other. Knowing this makes me feel so much peace in my heart.

What Are Noah and Nick up to?

2009-11-27T17:11:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I have updated on my two little munchkins so here goes. We think we have finally found a preschool that we like for Noah. I have been searching like crazy for weeks now. We decided not to go with the public school system so we have been researching private preschools. It has been a long journey trying to find the right place to suit Noah and honestly to suit me. I hated almost everything I saw until last week. I'm not sure when Noah will start but I'm thinking after the holidays. He so desperately needs the social interaction. The school is an inclusion preschool so he will be with children with special needs and typically developing children. They have a great schedule and he would only go three days a week. He will still receive his therapies privately. Noah is still scared to walk after his two falls. Both times he fell straight back like a board on his head. I have had to go back to the bathrobe tie (if you recall I used that before) to gain his confidence. It is a hard blow to see him walking like a pro to refusing to walk. It made me sad but then I realized that he needs to gain the confidence himself in his own time. I have backed off, knowing in my heart that he will walk again.

Nicholas will be 6 months old soon Dec 9th. I can't believe how fast time is flying by and how big he is. He is already in 9 month clothing and even those seem to be tight sometimes. He is so tall. He has started solids and eats like a pig. He has loved everything we have fed him .. He is babbling like crazy and laughs all the time. He really is a "angel baby". I took him to the mall and it felt like I was by myself. He never made a peep from his stroller. He looks at his brother with so much admiration and is interested in everything Noah does. He is rolling over, sitting up and showing interest in all different types of toys. He adores to watch "Signing times" with his brother. He almost shows more interest in it than Noah. He loves to watch Noah play his computer games and is fascinated with life in general. He still wakes up sometimes in the middle of the night but hopefully that will stop soon. Both Noah and Nick are doing wonderful.. Thank you for reading about my two munchkins..

This is Noah being Noah

2009-11-24T16:16:00.000-08:00

Yes this is our life. Chasing vacuum cleaners and loving it. I wish we all found such pleasure in the smaller things. Life would be so much more fun..

Can They Be Any Cuter?

2009-11-16T06:07:00.001-08:00

Will You Stay In This House and Rock My World?

2009-11-11T11:30:00.000-08:00

If you know what I mean by the caption then you are just as embarrassed as I am. I put my headband on Noah and pretended he was from that reality show "Rock of Love.". The trashy Brett Micheal's dating show that came on vh1. I can't believe I just admitted that I watched that show on my blog but the sad truth is I did. Brett always wore a ugly headband to cover his balding head (so that is what the blue headband symbolizes) and at the end of the show his question to the trashy girls competing for his affection was "Will you stay in this house and rock my world?". So I was bored while Noah was eating lunch and as I took these pictures I asked him the same question. We laughed and laughed together during his whole lunch.. Ha Ha

Hug Your Son or Daughter Tonight

2009-11-08T17:15:00.000-08:00

As I am writing this there is a little boy who is 3 years old fighting to breathe. I found his blog only recently but have been so touched by his story and the strength of his parents. Tonight I feel immense pain for this family and the loss they are about to endure. They are with their son in the hospital praying for him to go home with God. He is suffering and has fought long and hard on this earth. I have never met this family but last night I cried for the pain they are feeling. I pray that they will get through this heart wrenching time and that their son will no longer feel pain. Tonight I look at my beautiful children and am thankful they are home with me. I am thankful they are not in pain. I am thankful that I can put them to bed and kiss them goodnight. I am thankful for so much right now. Please pray for this family. The little boy's name is Gavin. Please pray that his suffering ends soon. Hug your children and thank God you can tuck them in tonight.

Pablo and The Pumpkin

2009-11-05T16:11:00.001-08:00

We had the absolute best Halloween ever with the kids. It started out a little rough with Noah cranky but then he came alive with the spirit. Our neighborhood was awesome for trick or treating. I was not going to go door to door but if you could see how festive our neighborhood was, you would understand why I changed my mind. Noah was Pablo the Penguin and Nicholas was a pumpkin. This was the first year Noah was interested in walking up to the doors. Every house we went to he tried to walk in the front door. It was so cute. Nicholas loved all the lights and just stared at everyone dressed up. One of our neighbors had a haunted house that we all walked through. The kids didn't get scared at all. It was all around a great time for all of us. Some of the pictures show the fussy moments though. Noah was annoyed with his penguin hat and wanted it off the whole time. I think Nick was feeling the same about his bulky pumpkin outfit.

A Trip To The Pumpkin Patch

2009-11-03T04:52:00.000-08:00

I am so delayed posting these pictures but they are so adorable. We had a great Halloween and I promise to post pictures of the kids in their costumes tomorrow.

A Sunset With My Three Men

2009-10-26T17:55:00.000-07:00

Noah's Real Birthday Bash.

2009-10-25T18:33:00.000-07:00

You didn't really think we would only have a boring home party did you? No way Mr social butterfly would not stand for that. We had Noah's real birthday bash on the Sunday following his birthday. Where did we have it? None other than Noah's absolute favorite place in the world Dave N Busters. If you don't know what Dave N Busters is let me fill you in. It's a restaurant attached to a huge video arcade. Noah loves this place for a few reasons. It's dark (he hates sunlight), its bright with lots of blinking lights and its crowded. Noah loves to be in a crowded place. I know I hate crowds but hey Mr. Social Butterfly gets what he wants on his third B day. We had some very close friends and Noah's Grandma and Grandpa celebrate with us. We were sorry that my family that lives out of town couldn't join us . We missed you a lot Mom and Pop and all of Noah's Aunt's and Uncles. It was also one of our close friends birthday so we celebrated it along with Noah's. Noah got a lot of really cool gifts. Thank you everyone who thought of Noah on his special day. It was such a fun day for Noah and we feel so blessed that we shared his day with so many special people. Here are some pictures of his B day Bash. He hated when we sang Happy Birthday to him. He was scared of the candles on his cake.

Noah's Third B day Part One

2009-10-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

OK so I'm a little late since Noah's B day was last week but I have been "blog lazy". Last Thursday was Noah's third B day. That's right I now have a 3 year old. I can't believe it. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my amazing, courageous, beautiful, strong, funny and semi walking 3 year old. I love you so much. On the actual night of Noah's birthday we celebrated at home quietly with just us four. I made Noah's favorite homemade macaroni and cheese (my mom's yummy recipe) and a homemade peanut butter cake. The cake didn't turn out that great but Noah loved it. Sorry Nicholas you can try it next year. We sang our little hearts out to Noah but he wasn't too fond of the candles on the cake. He actually got really scared and cried a little bit. I wasn't expecting that but he got over it fast. Here are a couple of pictures of his night at home. I look a little bit ridiculous but I posted the pictures anyway. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE MAN.

Noah Teaching Nick a Few Things.

2009-10-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

Here are some cute pictures of Noah teaching Nick how to use his old toys. Stay tuned for a special post for Noah's third B day which is tomorrow. I can't believe how big my boy is.

A Different Perspective

2009-10-10T18:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure how to put this into words but I will try. I have heard a lot of people say that having a "typical" child after their special needs child helped heal old wounds. The interesting thing is, I don't know if I have experienced that same feeling. Of course after Nicholas was born I was glad he was healthy and thriving. I was relieved that he wasn't whisked away to the NICU while I lay feeling helpless and fearful. At times after Nicholas was first born I felt so much pain inside of me. I cried myself to sleep a few times remembering what Noah and I went through. I felt guilty that I was feeling this way right after he was born. I remember the first night Nicholas was home I went into Noah's room and bawled beside his crib. I had the hardest time accepting the "typical" birth and "typical" all together. It seems weird to write this out but it's the raw truth. "Typical" is still so bizarre to me at times. I don't want anyone to think I am wishing things were different because I'm not. I guess when you start out in Holland it's a shock when you get to Italy. Everything is faster when you are so used to a slower pace. I am so happy that Nicholas is reaching all of his milestones but at the same time I feel a twinge of pain. This is what I don't understand. I suppose it's a pain for Noah even though Noah could care less that it took him so much longer to do the same things. I hope that someday the wounds that still surface sometimes will go away. I don't know if that is realistic but I will hope anyway.

He Will Have A Voice

2009-10-07T18:16:00.000-07:00

A couple of comments I have received from strangers lately inspired me to write this post. Yesterday Noah was in therapy and I was in the waiting room talking to another mom. She told me her son was 2 and speech delayed. I told her my son was almost 3 and also speech delayed. I proceeded to tell her we use sign and pictures at home to help Noah communicate. She said "I have not signed with my son because that will make him lazy and not want to talk.". I then said "Actually its a proven fact that signing and any alternative communication does not delay speech any further." She looked at me like I had two heads and the conversation ended. Then over the weekend we took the kids to the park for a few hours. I was pushing Noah on the swing and he signed that he wanted to "stay on". I asked him again "stay on" and he signed "on" and "more. I always verbalize when I am signing with Noah. A lady was watching us and asked if Noah was signing? I said yes and didn't say much more. She then told me that she never signed with her children because she was scared they would not talk. I was rather annoyed at her ignorance but just smiled and continued swinging Noah. For anyone that is confused or may not understand. Signing and alternative communication will not delay Noah any further. I am saying this for the people who love Noah and want the best for him. Also for the people that love Noah and may feel uncomfortable asking me. I don't know if Noah will talk or not. I can't tell anyone that. That is in God's hands and it is something I have had to come to terms with. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to accept. What I do know is that I will give Noah every opportunity to have a voice. Whether it be through sign, pictures a communication device or talking. He will be heard. I will make sure of it.

Have You Forgiven Lately?

2009-10-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

To forgive
Is not to forget.

To forgive
Is really to remember

That nobody is perfect

That each of us stumbles
When we want so much to stay upright

That each of us says things
We wish we had never said

That we can all forget that love
Is more important than being right.

To forgive
Is really to remember

That we are so much more
Than our mistakes

That we are often more kind and caring
That accepting anothers' flaws
Can help us accept our own.

To forgive
Is to remember

That the odds are pretty good that
We might soon need to be forgiven ourselves.

That life sometimes gives us more
Than we can handle gracefully.

To forgive
Is to remember

That we have room in our hearts to
Begin again

And again,

And again.

Noah "kickin it" with Beyonce

2009-10-02T10:35:00.000-07:00

This is hilarious. Noah loves the song "Put a ring on it" by Beyonce. I put the video from you tube up and he doesn't take his eyes off the screen. Then he signs "more" or "on" when it's over. Here he is hanging out with Beyonce.

Ok I'm Lazy Tonight But Aren't We Cute?

2009-09-30T18:45:00.000-07:00

Noah and Nick Chillin With "Signing Times"

2009-09-29T13:46:00.000-07:00

I have two boys that absolutely love the "Signing Times" dvd's. Noah will hear the beginning song and come as fast as he can into the living room. As soon as he sees the beginning when she says "Hi I'm Rachel" he cracks up laughing and then spins in circles on the floor. He signs half of the signs with the dvd but some of the signs bore him. He likes to sign "car" and "sleep" those are his favorites. Nicholas doesn't take his eyes off the t.v. He is going to be a signing baby. I sign with both of them all during the day. Nick looks at me like I'm crazy but he likes to watch me sign. Here are some cute pictures of the boys chillin with "Signing Times". Oh and I have to sing the theme song played at the end of the dvd a few times a day for Noah. He loves it.

I Love These Moments.

2009-09-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

Today I had a few different moments that took my breath away. A few moments that made my heart leap with joy. I had posted earlier this week that Noah decided he wasn't going to walk after a fall he had. I don't think I posted that he fell and hit the back of his head at water therapy a week or so ago. I had to take him to the ER to make sure everything was ok. It ended up to be ok but I didn't think it had affected him because the anxiety didn't start until five or six days after the fall. But I know it was the fall that scared him. He has been walking holding onto the back of his head and it breaks my heart. So sad. Anyway the good news is that he took off again today. We decided to take him to Dave N Busters (It is a huge arcade attached to a restaurant) this is his absolute favorite place. He loves the lights, noise and crowds. Noah is so happy when he is in loud crowded places. He is such a little social butterfly at heart. As we were walking towards his favorite game he let go of my hand. He is so much more motivated when he is out of the house. That seems weird to me because I would think he would feel more comfortable at home. Nope out and about that's when he is the happiest. Another great moment today was my first real kiss on the cheek from Noah. Noah and I were reading books together and I asked him to give me a kiss. Right away he grabbed my cheek and slobbered all over me. I was so happy I asked for two more kisses. The third time came and he was over it. This was a moment that took my breath away. A moment some might take for granted. Then before Noah went to bed we watched "Signing Time's" together. Noah and I were sitting on the floor together signing and I asked him to rub my head. I laid my head in his lap and he played with my hair for ten minutes. How sweet is that? He does this often for me. I will say "Noah will you do my hair?" and he does. It is just too sweet. That is my rambling for the day. It was just a great day..

How Should I Handle This?

2009-09-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

I am feeling completely frustrated and I'm not sure how to handle this. I'm hoping some of you can give me some advice. The past two days Noah is refusing to walk. If I try to get him to walk some where he squats his legs and leans backwards. I'm trying not to feel anxious about this because I know Noah senses when I am. It's just I have never been happier when I saw him take his first steps. It was such a long time coming and now I'm feeling sad. Today at therapy he did the same thing. He wouldn't walk and wouldn't do any of the stuff he normally does. I am wondering if any of you have any advice? I'm feeling at a loss and not sure what to do.

This Is What They Do When I'm Not Home

2009-09-21T18:25:00.000-07:00

Tom comes up with some creative things to do with the kids when I'm not home. You remember the wheel barrel ride pictures don't you? So, I'm at the gym and when I get home Tom tells me he took the dog and kids for a walk. I think he meant Noah took the dog for a walk. Here is Tom's new invention in dog walking. Dog walks beside stroller while our child in the stroller holds the leash. Have to create fun somehow on those boring days. I do think these are cute pictures and Tom is a awesome Daddy to the kids.

Silliness, Sibling Love And Relaxation

2009-09-18T20:30:00.001-07:00

Because I'm Thinking Of You

2009-09-17T17:41:00.000-07:00

When I became Noah's mom a whole new world opened up to me. It was a world I knew existed but one that I never gave a whole lot of thought to. A world that has made me a better person with a stronger sense of self. A world that has forced me to look at life in a different light and be grateful for the things I have. Today I have been thinking about other mom's. Other mom's that have experienced grief and pain. I'm thinking of the mom who just got a diagnosis for their son or daughter and is grief stricken. I'm thinking of her and hoping her tears fade soon and her heart is full of joy again. I'm thinking of the mom who has to see her child for the first time in the NICU. I hope she feels strength and courage to make it through another day. I'm thinking of the mom who has to be strong to lift her child up every day because they can't walk. Her dedication amazes me. I'm thinking of the mom who carried their child for 9 months knowing that they would only have a few minutes of life. The beauty within her is overwhelming. I'm thinking of all the mom's who have given me hope and courage to be the best mom to Noah. I am so thankful to have all of you in my life. I'm so thankful for the gifts God has given me. I'm so thankful to Noah for softening my heart even more than it already was.

More Noah Walking

2009-09-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

Noah Walks

2009-09-13T19:01:00.000-07:00